Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
This rocks
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house