Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
You Might Also Like
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?