Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money