*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?