-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?