If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.