ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn鈥檛! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer鈥檚 mom: you鈥檙e wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we鈥檙e talking
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you鈥檒l see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob鈥檚 funeral home, you鈥檒l see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
girl: i鈥檓 way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.