Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.