Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sarah1mc's best tweets

@sarah1mc : I'm just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.

@sarah1mc: I wasn't going to say anything but that's not really my style.

@sarah1mc: When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, "Wow, I can't believe it took so long."

@sarah1mc: I hate when I'm telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.

@sarah1mc: Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.

@sarah1mc: I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

@sarah1mc: I'm not saying you're an idiot,
I'm typing it.

@sarah1mc: I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.

@sarah1mc: Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

@sarah1mc: I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.