@sarah1mc
I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.
@sarah1mc
@sarah1mc
I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.
@sarah1mc
When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”
@sarah1mc
I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
@sarah1mc
Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.
@sarah1mc
I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.
@sarah1mc
I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.
@sarah1mc
I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
@sarah1mc
Note to self:
Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.
@sarah1mc
I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.