I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.
I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.
When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”
I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.
I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.
I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.
I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
Note to self:
Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.
I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.