At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Lol
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Just say no
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.