Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.