I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
What the hell happened in there??
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option