“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
This is a whole mood;
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around