I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.