Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
pls suprot
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Phonetics
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.