I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Who chose this font
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.