Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
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I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.