You Might Also Like
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
When I said I liked it rough.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My wife gives the best headache.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing