@sarcasm_inc: I vote we change the word "bar" after "salad" because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
@sarcasm_inc: Sorry I'm late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate*
"Can I get u anything else?"
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
@sarcasm_inc: [a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
@sarcasm_inc: "2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
@sarcasm_inc: *at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I'D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER
@sarcasm_inc: *leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
Hi."Push It" is about takin a dump, right?
*hands friend $5*
@sarcasm_inc: -THAR SHE BLOWS
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
"My seeing-eye pirate? Yes"
But this is so intima-
"Fill the balloons, Susan"