Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready