Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go
I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
*at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I’D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER
*leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
Hi.”Push It” is about takin a dump, right?
*hands friend $5*
*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”
-THAR SHE BLOWS
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”