My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
she has a point
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?