I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
How dude HOW?!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Saturday
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.