*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.