@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

@sarcasticmommy4

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

@sarcasticmommy4

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

@sarcasticmommy4

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

@sarcasticmommy4

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

@sarcasticmommy4

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.