Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.