@sarcasticmommy4

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

@sarcasticmommy4

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

@sarcasticmommy4

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

@sarcasticmommy4

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

@sarcasticmommy4

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

@sarcasticmommy4

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.