[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut