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I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.