What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.