I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.