I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.