I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore