If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
You have been warned.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.