A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.