When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.