@schumoo

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

@schumoo

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@schumoo

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@schumoo

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

@schumoo

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.