Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.