@schumoo

Salad forks are smaller to prolong the suffering

@schumoo

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

@schumoo

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

@schumoo

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

@schumoo

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

@schumoo

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

@schumoo

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

@schumoo

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

@schumoo

When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed