Salad forks are smaller to prolong the suffering
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
How the button came off my shirt.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed