Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.