interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”