Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of scorpicpanda's best tweets

@scorpicpanda : [getting massage from cat] Me: Mmmm, this is the best spa day ever; please don’t stop. Cat: *pushes me off massage table

@scorpicpanda: "You will regret this later" is not what to write in an engagement card, apparently.

@scorpicpanda: Contrary to popular belief, people will still try to talk to you if you are wearing reindeer antlers.

@scorpicpanda: *gets ponytail caught in elevator door

*hands phone to stranger

"Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?"

@scorpicpanda: I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I'm more cultured than I actually am.

@scorpicpanda: If there's awkward silence & he asks what you're thinking about "emotionally damaged werewolves" is not the best answer. I know this now.

@scorpicpanda: {discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

@scorpicpanda: 5: "I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads."

Me: "I'll have whatever that kid's having."

@scorpicpanda: Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: "Where's the food and why are you naked?"

Me: "Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic."

@scorpicpanda: It's like Grandma used to say, "All men are hilarious, until you marry one."