OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.