Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN