[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.