@scott_towel

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

@scott_towel

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

@scott_towel

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

@scott_towel

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

@scott_towel

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

@scott_towel

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.