It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.