My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
damn he’s good
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
what’s the point then??
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes