Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Only short people can save us
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water