Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.