My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
You Might Also Like
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.