You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
All set.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead