No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
You Might Also Like
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
accurate
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
get you a girl who
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha: