@seamusmckracken

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

@seamusmckracken

If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”

I will magically appear.

@seamusmckracken

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

@seamusmckracken

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

@seamusmckracken

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

@seamusmckracken

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?