The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”
I will magically appear.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.