@seamussaid

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

@seamussaid

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

@seamussaid

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

@seamussaid

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

@seamussaid

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

@seamussaid

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

@seamussaid

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

@seamussaid

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh