Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of seamussaid's best tweets

@seamussaid : this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

@seamussaid: on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

@seamussaid: ask your insurance company if you're healthy enough to see a doctor

@seamussaid: it's fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like "sophomoric" and "pedestrian"

@seamussaid: I'd like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time - there's no way I'm going down on a donkey

@seamussaid: gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don't fall for it

@seamussaid: the owl's distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

@seamussaid: being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can't drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

@seamussaid: (1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole's law

@seamussaid: my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas