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Page of seamussaid's best tweets

@seamussaid : look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

@seamussaid: hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

@seamussaid: Sheriff: you mean to tell me you've walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@seamussaid: this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

@seamussaid: on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

@seamussaid: ask your insurance company if you're healthy enough to see a doctor

@seamussaid: it's fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like "sophomoric" and "pedestrian"

@seamussaid: I'd like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time - there's no way I'm going down on a donkey

@seamussaid: gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don't fall for it