@seamussaid

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

@seamussaid

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

@seamussaid

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

@seamussaid

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

@seamussaid

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@seamussaid

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

@seamussaid

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor