me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair


wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*


[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh


doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar



waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food


me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat


[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that


customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college


co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people


hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both