waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food


me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat


[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that


customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college


co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people


hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both


[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices


her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls


[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed